My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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