I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
