I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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