You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm passing your future prison.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
