you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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