i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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