my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
