There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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