You're a womanizer and a bitch.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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