ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
