chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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