The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
