just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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