so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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