Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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