my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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