hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
where are you?
Hypothermia
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
