I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
