The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
