Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You smell like stripper and shame
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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