Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
