i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
