Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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