Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
