Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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