my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I love having hate sex.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
