I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
