Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
