Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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