I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
