Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
