My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
