i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
