I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
