atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
