Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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