When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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