phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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