I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
