my phone needs a breathalizer
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
