she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
