My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I think your dad took our porno
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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