Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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