soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
