It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
