I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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