I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
