did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
