I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
