Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
