its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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