Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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