I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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