Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
