Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
