You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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