Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
