im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
