Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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