I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
