You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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