loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
