I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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