He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Randomize
